Stop the downward spiral of destructive workplace conflict.
Conflict in the workplace is common. In the presence of trust it can be a productive and positive force. It’s useful to work through decision-making fast, utilising debate to reach consensus within a group.
When trust is absent or eroded though, conflict becomes destructive. This builds, creating a downward spiral leading to dysfunctional teams and strained relationships. In these situations people avoiding debating ideas, feelings get hurt and professional relationships are damaged. This affects productivity and effectiveness, which can be critical in the workplace.
When you feel this is happening, how can you arrest the downward spiral?
By employing proactive behaviours and strategies, you can re-establish empathy and build trust with your colleagues. Trust is the basis for non-destructive conflict with others. In trust-based relationships, it’s possible to have heated debates over important topics without eroding relationships. It’s necessary that trust exists first, though.
I’ll introduce an approach you can apply in many situations. It’s effective when the trust in an existing relationship may have deteriorated. It’s designed to stop the downward spiral when you first detect it, to prevent damaging the relationship. Applying these strategies will help you defuse potentially damaging situations.
In addition to preventing damaging conflict, these behaviours are also effective in deepening your relationships with colleagues. This approach is also useful in new relationships. By doing this, you lay the foundation for a productive and enjoyable workplace.
A quick caveat. I’m not laying out a process by which conflict is eradicated entirely — that isn’t possible! Rather, these are strategies for situations where there is the real threat of a relationship breaking down.
1. It starts with you.
When we feel aggrieved by someone else, it’s easy to wash our hands of responsibility. It’s easy to explain away tension or conflict as the personality flaws or shortcomings of others.
Remember, you are responsible for all your behaviour in your professional life. Although it’s easier to take responsibility for your strengths, taking responsibility for the breadth of your actions is essential to your professional integrity. This includes owning your part in conflicts you experience with others.
When conflict arises, it needs to be resolved. Conflict breeds discontent, which doesn’t dissipate with time. It can manifest in bigger issues which become insurmountable.
Resolving conflicts is your responsibility, so own it.
This isn’t always easy. It does require you to put aside the differences between you and others, to quieten your ego, to ignore that voice telling you you’re right, that the other person is wrong. Taking responsibility requires reflection. Ask yourself: “am I prepared to damage a professional relationship over this?”. If the answer is yes, then this article isn’t for you! If you value your professional relationships, take responsibility and seek to dispel tension when it arises. Many people aren’t able to get out of their own way to do this, though.
These strategies aren’t designed to resolve specific conflicts, but rather a way to set them aside temporarily. Once you reestablish a connection of trust with someone, you can readdress the conflict at a later time. You don’t need to be best friends at the end of this, just effective colleagues.
2. Break the location
To start building empathy and trust, picking the right location is essential. The workplace is loaded with structures that can prevent the ability to connect. Work is the location of power relationships, as well as the distractions and stresses of daily work. All of these can make engaging in this process more difficult. When starting out, choose a neutral location. Anywhere other than the workplace is preferable.
Making your catch up a time-bound activity, like a coffee break or a meal, works perfectly to hit the reset button. When the duration of the meeting is finite, you’ll both be reassured that even if the meeting is uncomfortable, it won’t last too long!
Selecting a neutral location is good for removing the distractions of the office. Aim for as few distractions and interruptions as possible. Banish phones and laptops. Put them away. Doing so will communicate your intention to reconnect as people, not colleagues.
3. Ask the right questions
When building trust with others, you need to ask a lot of questions. Empathy and trust stems from a personal connection. To achieve this, it’s important to ask personal questions, unrelated to any conflict between you. Start with the simple stuff; each others’ backgrounds is a great starting point.
In his book “The 5 Dysfunctions of a Team” Patrick Lencioni has a great activity designed to establish (or re-establish) trust. It’s designed for groups, but is equally effective in one-to-one catch ups. It involves asking about your companion’s “hometown, first job and worst job”. These neutral topics will help them relax into the conversation. It’s a non-threatening way to connect. The only risk is if the ‘worst job’ is the one they’re currently in! (As awkward as this would be, it would create an opportunity to address their dissatisfaction).
In the same way that it’s your responsibility to be proactive in organising this catch up, it’s your responsibility to be genuine in your intent. Don’t force the other person to open up, that won’t build trust. Give them room to speak and be heard.
Also make it your intention to find the other person’s life interesting in some way. Everyone’s life IS interesting, and this is your opportunity to get a glimpse into someone else’s. Doing this lets them know you care about them as a person.
If the relationship is quite raw, all this can be a hard process. Don’t expect miracles. This first catch up is just the start, a chance to hit the reset button. This is your opportunity to prevent the downward spiral, to prevent worse things happening in your professional relationship.
4. Extreme listening
When re-establishing trust, making your colleague feel that their voice is heard is essential. Listening in an open, accepting way is the easiest way to making someone feel valued.
Often in conversations we have an agenda we want to achieve. Often this is to communicate an opinion, advice, or information relating to the topic being discussed. This can lead to conversations where each person is simply waiting to speak. Bad exchanges like these can make people feel that their opinion isn’t valued, which is alienating. If you want to break the tension between yourself and others, listening to what the other person is saying, without an agenda, works wonders.
When applying extreme listening, it’s important to maintain eye contact. This means banishing any distractions, especially mobile phones! This reinforces the message that they are the sole focus of your attention. Don’t interrupt, don’t fidget. Aim to be present in that moment, receiving their thoughts an opinions.
This is a simple principle, but can be very challenging in practise. We are more accustomed to conversations being an ongoing back-and-forth. To get a sense of how hard this is, try it today in a conversation. During a break ask someone a personal question, then sit and listen. You’ll be surprised at how hard it can be!
This builds on the previous topic of creating an environment of ease between you and others. This exchange is about the other person, not you. You want to let them feel they have the focus of the exchange, that you are genuinely listening to them.
Of course at some point you will need to contribute to the conversation! To keep the conversation going, listen for themes in what they’re saying. Note what seems most striking, then ask more about that when the conversation dips.
Once someone feels heard, they relax and become more open to listening to what you have to say. It forms a great basis for a conversation, from which you can start to share your own thoughts and stories.
5. Be vulnerable
When it comes to opening up in conversation, it needs to be a two-way street. You will only make progress if you’re prepared to share yourself, your honest self. This can be challenging, as we tend to protect ourselves in situations where tension exists. But this is the next strategy: be vulnerable. Of all the strategies, this can be the hardest, but it’s essential to building a basis of trust.
Remember, you don’t have to go the whole way. You don’t have to confide your deepest fears and worries. Share a small worry, a personal concern the other person might not be aware you have, but not something you might worry could be held against you. It’s important to remember you need to learn to trust them through this process, too! This becomes an emotional offering, one which they’re likely to reciprocate. By exhibiting vulnerability, you show your willingness to move forward with them. It needs to be genuine, though. If you express vulnerability with someone, don’t fake it. False vulnerability is manipulation, which irrevocably destroys trust. If done well, it provides the chance to hit the reset button. Then you can re-establish a basis and move forward to resolve the conflict between you.
These strategies give you the opportunity to start to address a breakdown in trust. By taking responsibility for the situation and investing in your relationships, you can prevent further deterioration. You can also establish a foundation for greater cooperation and unity going forward.
So, is it time to book that cup of coffee with a colleague?
